Umm I'm too high to move.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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