remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
