Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
