Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
