then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
