I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
