god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
