why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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