u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I wear drunk well.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
