Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
