Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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