I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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