I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
