I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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