my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
