So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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