I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
