I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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