There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
