I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
