my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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