not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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