DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
