She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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