After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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