I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
