Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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