i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
