Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
