I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
