Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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