She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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