Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
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I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
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Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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