somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
