fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
