thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
