I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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