I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
