Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
