I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
