I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
