Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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