I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
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I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
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Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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