plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
my liver is dry heaving
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
