doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
