Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
