They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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