New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
