i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
