i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
