Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
