I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
