____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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