Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
