He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
