3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
bring money and cleavage
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
