wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
