no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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