Soap is not a condiment
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
