went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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