Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
